My heart is beating for you

My dear son,
Always remember that mommy love you more than anything else in the world. No matter what happen, mommy will never leave you again. Mommy will always be beside you. Even if one day mommy is not there with you in the flesh, mommy is always in you, in the form of blood running in your body, to your brain, to your heart. Mommy love you, Din Din my baby.

Nutcase

She was a nutjob. Ever since she found out about her father infidelity, her life was never the same. It hit her hard, it hit her to the core.

She was never good in expressing herself. Among her friends, she was the joker. She was the happy one. The one with no worries. Happy-go-lucky was the descriptive word for her.

In her late teen, she would go out with the group of friends that her parents would rather her not to. Going out late, coming home early. Early in the morning. Someday, she would just hide in her room and cry all day. She would lock herself up and wander in her own thoughts. Someday it was easy, someday it got harder all she would play in her mind was about death.

Life had it ups and downs. Sometimes life treated her good, sometimes she felt like life wanted to have its own life back.

Her mother wanted her to seek help. But she refused. The stigma was there. Her grandma was a certified psychiatric patient. She was not ready to join the bandwagon. Her mother was worried. She was half way there herself. After all, it involved her directly, a useless cheating husband and a daughter going down the hill.

There was no other way but to seek help from the superpower. Religion. She prayed, listened to Dhamma talks, read Dhamma books and practiced everything that was thought by Lord Buddha. She found her inner peace. So, she offered her hands to her daughter. Together, they fought the war of mental illness with meditation and Lord Buddha's teachings.

On and off, she would trip and fall, but she always managed to fall back to her mother.

Life was a wheel. Sometimes you would be on the top, sometimes you would hit rock bottom. There she was again, at the bottom of the wheel. This time around she tried to face her fears. She tried to seek help. But what she got back was her husband asking her to stop pretending being insane.

Maybe one day when he read this. And she was gone. Maybe then he would understand that mental illness was not something people act on to earn an Oscar. Maybe he would think that he could be the help that she was seeking. Maybe he would understand. Maybe he never would.

And I start it all over again

All I wish now is to forget every single thing that had ever happened, be it good or bad. I choose to be happy. I choose to be positive. I choose to stop blaming myself. I choose to start anew. Start fresh. Like I just walked out from a hot shower. Nyamannnnnnn!

Have I been crying? Yes, I have. I did.
Have I been smiling? Fuck yeah! Everyday.

Take my heart as you're leaving. I don't need it anymore.

I'll try...

Disconnected

So... It's a stop button.

After a year, love faded, a rush to ER changed everything. And here I am, going through another phase of painful process.

No matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I love, if it was only from one side, it would never be enough. I am so worthless and unlovable. 

The once sweet memories are now so painful to bear. Cannot be reconnected or modified, all I can and must do is to forget them. Like it had never happened before.

We were friends, we were lovers, now we are just strangers.

And I still have his Valentine's gift with me. Yet to be given. Will never reach him...

Happy Songkran!~ What a day to be dumped... HAHA!

Play Pause and ...

Resume?

Play Pause Stop?

ไม่ว่าจะเกิดอะไรขึ้น เขาจะตัดสินใจอย่างไรก็ตาม เราก็ต้องรับให้ได้

แม้ยังไม่พร้อมที่จะเสียเธอไป แม้มันจะเจ็บแทบขาดใจ

หากเราจะยื้อจะรั้ง ถ้าคนเขาไม่รัก มันก็จะทรมานเขาเปล่าๆ

ถึงแม้ว่าเราจะเจ็บ อย่างไรชีวิตก็ต้องเดินต่อไป และเขาคงจะได้โล่งอก

ทำไมฉันถึงรักเขามากขนาดนี้

แล้วทำไมเขาถึงไม่รักฉันเลย

After the love has gone

"Only fools carry on..." 

My birthday and also the month of love. Coincidentally, it was a long weekend for my bro-in-law, so we went down south for vacation.

Made an appointment to meet up and watch movie together before I flew back to the north. He came days earlier. Came to give me my birthday gift. No movie as planned. Left after an hour. It was cold. Didn't bother to look at me. Well...

Yes, I am a fool.

ใจหนึ่งก็รัก อีกใจหนึ่งก็เจ็บ
เจ็บที่ยังรักเธอข้างเดียวอยู่ร่ำไป 
ใจหนึ่งก็คิดจะเดินไปให้ไกล 
แต่อีกใจยังไม่กล้าพอ 
เพราะรู้ว่ายังขาดเธอไม่ได้

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a positive note, thank you for the gift and time, especially the time. Love you much.

Day 22

Be with the person that you love.

And he loves you too.

ตบมือข้างเดียวมันดังไม่ได้หรอก

Life can do terrible things

So, he called. But not talking.

I texted him. He replied. Asking how was I. I gave him the standard answer.

"I'm fine, thank you. How r u?"

When all I wanted to say was, "No, I'm not. This is so hard. It's killing me. I'm willing to wait because I love you, because I want this to work. I have to wait... It's like a criminal waiting to hear the verdict. The crime for loving you to much. For caring too much, it's deemed as annoying, suffocating you." "When what we should do is to talk about it, to discuss, to communicate, to share. Instead of saying you are tired and not in the mood to talk and leaving a half ticking bomb at the end of the conversations every freaking time."

So, how r u? You replied "I am great!" With an exclamation mark.

Well, great.

"So don't fall in love, there's just too much to lose
If you're given the choice, then I beg you to choose
To walk away, walk away, don't let her get you.
I can't bear to see the same happen to you.

Now, son, I'm only telling you this
Because life can do terrible things"

Mayday Parade

Here Without You

It has been 10 days. It's not so fine on the weekdays, it's worse on the weekends. Knowing that you'd be on your wheels, not knowing whether you are safe. Be careful, love.

A person who needs you…

Will do anything to keep you. This is the type of person who is always interested to hear what you have to say. This person wants to know about your day, to know what you did, what you ate, whom you interacted with.

This person wants to know every little bit about you because he or she is still trying to figure out why it is that he or she needs you so much.

This person knows he or she couldn't bear living without you, but this person can’t exactly pinpoint the reason why.

This person is in love with you because this person is in love with you, and although that’s enough of an explanation, this person still wants to figure you out.

Credit

Days without you

Not contacting you means not knowing whether you are home safely. Lots of worries and bad feelings. Guess that is how you feel when you truly love someone.

Hope you are doing fine over there. I miss you. Badly. :(

Have a break, Have a Kit-kat

แค่4วันยังรู้สึกเหมือนจะขาดใจตาย เเล้วท่าไม่มีเขาจรีงๆ เราจะอยู่ต่อไปยังไง... รักเขามาก ให้จนหมดหัวใจ จะดึงกลับมาก็ไม่ทันแล้ว ได้แต่หวังว่าเราจะกลับมาเป็นเหมือนเดิมอีกครั้งน่ะ

Same Old Year

It has been 2 years since I last updated my blog. Quick update:

2012 year end tragedy
- Nov 2012 - Dad collapsed and admitted in ICU Kuala Terengganu. Dirty hospital. Very dirty.

Abah visiting Dad for the last time.

- Dec 2012 - Started teaching in a new school, my first international school in Bayan Lepas.
- Dec 2012 - Failed my first viva. Horribly. Terribly. *Brought shame to myself and my family. Should be hung to death.*
- Dec 2012 - Found out Dad's new secret. *Should not be feeling anything anymore, but it still broke my heart knowing it.*
- Dec 2012 - Dad's condition was getting better and the saying of "the last good day" proven to be true. Dad passed away after the last good day.
- Dec 2012 - Grand send-off crossing Terengganu, Kelantan and finally reaching Kedah by PDRM from all the states mentioned. A well-deserved funeral for him by the family and the government. Special thanks to KP Terengganu and KPD KT for the recognition.

With KP Terengganu and KPD KT

Entourage from IPD KT

"Family Potrait"

Till death do us part

The divorce process (Yes, they have that ceremony in Thai funeral. Something new to me.)

- Dec 2012 - Back to KT to pack Dad's stuff and attend appreciation luncheon by IPD KT. Flood everywhere, was caught in the flood and had to turn back and stay in KT for another night. Home after evading the flood, on our last ride on the police car. No more special privileges. No more anak polis special treatment. Have to be a good citizen now.

Picking stuff from the office

The annual flood

2013 worth mentioning stuff in the toilet stall

Drawn using the jot given by him

- Trying out for the second time to complete my dissertation. Paid RM2k for that.
- Work was not easy. A lot of paper works that I was certain nobody read and took a look at, and mostly probably used for wiping ass for those people who like to kiss ass and jilat kasut.
- Got "promoted" with added responsibilities. Nobody liked to be promoted here, maybe it was just me.
- Busy working no time for dissertation. Bad time management. Screwed. Did not attend my second viva. Failed again. Doomed.
- Got myself a bf. I guessed so. I love him very much.
- Traveled to Cambodia. Nice place. Nice culture. Only Siem Reap, did not manage to go to the killing field in Phnom Penh, 7 hours away. Too bad. First time traveled with MAS. The plane was going round and round for few rounds before landed safely. Got a big room for myself in Angkor Hotel, thanks to the teacher who organised the trip.

Somewhere in Siem Reap

2014 bad year for Malaysia
- Lost the plane MH370, plane shot down MH17. RIP
- Finally finished my contract with the school. Got myself another international school. Awesome place, shitty pay, left after 3 months.

Bad influence

One of my most successful project; Breaking the school rules.

- A lot of weddings this year, friends and my sis' wedding.
- KL family could not attend sis' wedding as abah was hospitalised again.
- Abah passed away few days after sis' wedding.
- No much memorable thing for 2014, except for the LDR. Kinda rocky, with his Demi Lovato featuring Cher Lloyd attitude. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. Brought another girl for a trip, maybe trips. Thanks, Dad.
- Another plane crashed. A tragic year.



2015
Don't think anything will be any better. Meh!~










 Glad that you were my students.

Appreciate.

Love.

Home Tutor

Home tutor. 

Penang Island and Alor Star.

Leave a comment here or drop an email to:

srilika_phei@yahoo.com

courtesy of Mark A. Hicks

Polis DiaRaja Malaysia

Reading and hearing about the way PDRM works after people lodging reports on crimes, make me think that, it is just another job that pay their bills. Since we don't have Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Wonder Woman etc, and since people have becoming tak kisah,  tak apa, all we can do is to take care of ourselves.

And having dealt with PDRM myself, sending us from one police station to another, sometimes, I think it is easier not to lodge any police report at all. Bazir kertas and most importantly, waste time!

It happened when SIL, big sis and I were on our way back from Penang to Alor Star, 10 minutes after the Gurun rest stop. Nov 29, 2008 (Saturday), about 10.30pm. With many users on the highway.

Tariq & Laila

"I'm never getting married," Tariq whispered.


"Me neither," said Laila, but not before a moment of nervous hesitation. She worried that her voice had betrayed her disappointment at what he had said. Her heart galloping, she added, more forcefully this time, "Never."


"Weddings are stupid." "All the fuss."


"All the money spent." "What for?"


"For clothes you'll never wear again."


"Ha!"


"If I ever do get married," Tariq said, "they'll have to make room for three on the wedding stage. Me, the bride, and the guy holding the gun to my head."


Contents from Khaled Hosseini "A Thousand Splendid Suns"
Photo from Vinigo's Blog

What is Rotary?

 I was inducted to RCAS D3300 on December 6, 2010 after attending few meetings as a guest since August 2010.

Latest project by the district. I CHOOSE TO REUSE

I will be at GIANT Souq Al-Bukhary.

What about you?

Biawak

When I was young, I went to catch biawak with my cousin bro, bro and sis.

We burnt the dead tree trunk, and forced the biawak to run out of it and cousin bro would use a slingshot and shoot it, then we would collect it and bring it back home for aunt to cook it, and we ate it.

Those were the days....

Few days ago, I saw a small biawak in front of my room and screamed for life!!!!!

Sis For Life

To my big sis,