My heart is beating for you

My dear son,
Always remember that mommy love you more than anything else in the world. No matter what happen, mommy will never leave you again. Mommy will always be beside you. Even if one day mommy is not there with you in the flesh, mommy is always in you, in the form of blood running in your body, to your brain, to your heart. Mommy love you, Din Din my baby.

Nutcase

She was a nutjob. Ever since she found out about her father infidelity, her life was never the same. It hit her hard, it hit her to the core.

She was never good in expressing herself. Among her friends, she was the joker. She was the happy one. The one with no worries. Happy-go-lucky was the descriptive word for her.

In her late teen, she would go out with the group of friends that her parents would rather her not to. Going out late, coming home early. Early in the morning. Someday, she would just hide in her room and cry all day. She would lock herself up and wander in her own thoughts. Someday it was easy, someday it got harder all she would play in her mind was about death.

Life had it ups and downs. Sometimes life treated her good, sometimes she felt like life wanted to have its own life back.

Her mother wanted her to seek help. But she refused. The stigma was there. Her grandma was a certified psychiatric patient. She was not ready to join the bandwagon. Her mother was worried. She was half way there herself. After all, it involved her directly, a useless cheating husband and a daughter going down the hill.

There was no other way but to seek help from the superpower. Religion. She prayed, listened to Dhamma talks, read Dhamma books and practiced everything that was thought by Lord Buddha. She found her inner peace. So, she offered her hands to her daughter. Together, they fought the war of mental illness with meditation and Lord Buddha's teachings.

On and off, she would trip and fall, but she always managed to fall back to her mother.

Life was a wheel. Sometimes you would be on the top, sometimes you would hit rock bottom. There she was again, at the bottom of the wheel. This time around she tried to face her fears. She tried to seek help. But what she got back was her husband asking her to stop pretending being insane.

Maybe one day when he read this. And she was gone. Maybe then he would understand that mental illness was not something people act on to earn an Oscar. Maybe he would think that he could be the help that she was seeking. Maybe he would understand. Maybe he never would.

And I start it all over again

All I wish now is to forget every single thing that had ever happened, be it good or bad. I choose to be happy. I choose to be positive. I choose to stop blaming myself. I choose to start anew. Start fresh. Like I just walked out from a hot shower. Nyamannnnnnn!

Have I been crying? Yes, I have. I did.
Have I been smiling? Fuck yeah! Everyday.

Take my heart as you're leaving. I don't need it anymore.

I'll try...

Disconnected

So... It's a stop button.

After a year, love faded, a rush to ER changed everything. And here I am, going through another phase of painful process.

No matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I love, if it was only from one side, it would never be enough. I am so worthless and unlovable. 

The once sweet memories are now so painful to bear. Cannot be reconnected or modified, all I can and must do is to forget them. Like it had never happened before.

We were friends, we were lovers, now we are just strangers.

And I still have his Valentine's gift with me. Yet to be given. Will never reach him...

Happy Songkran!~ What a day to be dumped... HAHA!

Play Pause and ...

Resume?

Play Pause Stop?

ไม่ว่าจะเกิดอะไรขึ้น เขาจะตัดสินใจอย่างไรก็ตาม เราก็ต้องรับให้ได้

แม้ยังไม่พร้อมที่จะเสียเธอไป แม้มันจะเจ็บแทบขาดใจ

หากเราจะยื้อจะรั้ง ถ้าคนเขาไม่รัก มันก็จะทรมานเขาเปล่าๆ

ถึงแม้ว่าเราจะเจ็บ อย่างไรชีวิตก็ต้องเดินต่อไป และเขาคงจะได้โล่งอก

ทำไมฉันถึงรักเขามากขนาดนี้

แล้วทำไมเขาถึงไม่รักฉันเลย

After the love has gone

"Only fools carry on..." 

My birthday and also the month of love. Coincidentally, it was a long weekend for my bro-in-law, so we went down south for vacation.

Made an appointment to meet up and watch movie together before I flew back to the north. He came days earlier. Came to give me my birthday gift. No movie as planned. Left after an hour. It was cold. Didn't bother to look at me. Well...

Yes, I am a fool.

ใจหนึ่งก็รัก อีกใจหนึ่งก็เจ็บ
เจ็บที่ยังรักเธอข้างเดียวอยู่ร่ำไป 
ใจหนึ่งก็คิดจะเดินไปให้ไกล 
แต่อีกใจยังไม่กล้าพอ 
เพราะรู้ว่ายังขาดเธอไม่ได้

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On a positive note, thank you for the gift and time, especially the time. Love you much.